
Having a son has really opened my eyes to how challenging it can be to be a boy growing up in our society. When I was a young girl growing up, I was what most everyone would call a “tomboy,” and while I would get an occasional comment (mostly by my one aunt who was so happy to finally have a girl in the family, and perhaps slightly disappointed when I didn’t succumb to society’s gender stereotypes), it was mostly accepted that I could like the color blue, play sports, climb trees, and not wear dresses! However, over the past seven years I have encountered numerous times the short sightedness of people when it comes to simple things, such as what color a boy likes or that a boy likes having fresh flowers in his room.
Aidan’s favorite color for a long time was pink (now it is orange), he has always preferred wearing bright colors and gets so frustrated with the dark, drab color choices of clothes in the boys sections at stores; he loves flowers and knows many of them by name; he likes hearts and peace symbols, and he loves cuddling with all his stuffed animals. Aidan also enjoys cars, playing pirates, building Legos, skateboarding, and climbing trees (along with so many other things). I think it is so important for people to not let the societal stereotypes get in the way of learning, exploring, and figuring out who your true self is. I believe it is when you can embrace all sides of yourself that you can then develop into a well-rounded individual.
I am flabbergasted at the way some adults perpetuate these stereotypes and then just brush it off when they are called out on upholding such notions. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that there are gender differences and all societies do have gender roles and stratification (as a cultural anthropologist I have taken my fair share of gender studies classes, and have even taught the topic myself). But, as a mom to a seven-year old boy, I want to leave his interests and likes up to him; I do not want society to outline for him how he needs to be just because he’s a boy.
I can easily let passing comments from a store clerk or other unknown stranger end with a simple statement or two on my part. But, it is when these comments are made by people that we see on a regular basis that I have the most difficult time with. The most recent incident was at a local 4H group where we were packing gifts for less fortunate children. Comments were made by the adult facilitators to ensure that we avoided putting certain items in certain bags (e.g. no purple folders in the “boys” bags or no plastic frogs into the “girls” bags). I did speak up and voiced my opinion on this matter, and while there was a brief exchange on this topic, I mostly felt that my comments and concerns were dismissed. I struggle a bit with how to proceed with this. While there are a few people within this group whose company we enjoy as friends outside the meetings, overall, this is a group in which I don’t feel very invested. Also, I have other concerns with the group concerning issues of sustainability, cultural awareness, and so on–but these are topics for another day and another post.
What do you do when your free-range 7-year-old wants to be part of a group that conflicts with your values?
I’ve voiced my concerns and frustrations to Aidan and Mike. They both largely agree. Mike wants me to walk away from the group if they are unwilling to listen to reason–if they are unwilling to recognize that, as an organization with an educational mission for children, they need to demonstrate a more enlightened view of the world (or at least try). On the other hand, Aidan keeps telling me that he wants to continue going to this group, but I’m not quite sure why. He agrees wholeheartedly with me on these issues, but I think he’s not willing to walk away from the group over them. (He gets embarrassed if I voice my concerns too loudly in the group meetings.) He really wants to fit in, as I suppose many kids do, but Mike and I are not sure if we want him to fit in with this group, given their less-than-progressive attitudes. My dilemma is that we want Aidan to explore new avenues and make choices based on his interests, and we want to help him pursue his interests, but what if these interests conflict with our values as parents? Do we make him stop something because we don’t feel it’s in line with our own beliefs about the world and the values we hope to engender in our family? Or do I suck it up and stand by him since it’s something he wants to pursue? I want him to take part in activities that he desires, but at the same time I want to make sure that he sees that people need to stand up for what they believe in. My thought is that the answer to this problem lies somewhere in between. We need to find a balance to meet both our needs, but how to do this exactly is something I still need to figure out. Any suggestions?
leslie says:
you are right about the stereotyping that goes on in our world. it goes on and will always continue to go on. i have found that how you deal with that under your own roof is how you want to raise your son. but you have no control over the people in your group or a lot of groups out there with stereotyping. my son is 18 and loves pink, but he also likes hockey, baseball and girls. so i think letting adian hang with the group and make that his time. to experience both sides of the coin. but under your own roof demonstrate by your actions and words how you feel. kids understand a lot, especially when you practice what you preach. sooner or later adian is going to figure out his own beliefs may never match up to our society. all you can keep doing is reassuring him to be himself no matter what peer pressure does or says
December 16, 2010 — 1:19 pm
Christine says:
Hi Leslie,
Thank you so much for your comments and for sharing a bit of your own experience. I do agree with what you’ve said, and I know that I can’t keep him in a bubble and that it is important for him to experience all kinds of different activities and people. I know in my heart that our values will stick with him in the long run, but sometimes the short-sightedness of some people is just frustrating. :-) Your reassuring words help a lot!
Thanks again! Happy Holidays!
Chris
December 20, 2010 — 3:35 pm
Jen Roling says:
As you know I have one very girly girl and one not so girly girl. As you said, I have heard very little criticism about my little tomboy. People think it is funny that she asks for rocks every year for Christmas. "Isn't it cute how she has no fear of frogs and snakes," they say. But a boy who likes dress-up or, heaven forbid, the color pink will get strange looks from adults and kids alike. Some say that this is because girls get less respect in our society. So while it is fine for a girl to try to aspire to the greatness that is man, it would be silly for a boy to want to be more girl-like. I am not sure how I feel about that, but your situation is much more personal.
The situation with the gift bags could be less nefarious than it seems. In truth many boys (maybe even most boys) would be appalled to discover anything pink or purple in a gift bag. So to that end, making sure that the recipients appreciate the gifts you were sending is important.
As for whether to stick it out or leave a group… I really don't know… As I understand your parenting philosophy, Aidan is gaining perspective on life by living it. In my eyes that would include being exposed to ideas and people who really don't jive with your value system. It means you have to have faith that if you teach him to be a critical thinker he will come to intelligent conclusions. This is hard.
As you know our family does not believe in the Judeo Christian God. For some reason my youngest has decided that she believes. My in-laws are very religious, and she went to a church based daycare. So I can understand where it came from. Also, she is a very analytical child, and I know that when she sits down and thinks it through she will discover the fallacies. Until then I try to let her be when she says she is a believer. When she tries to make an argument, I do try to guide her through the reasoning process, but I try really hard not to tell her that she is wrong.
Anyway, I don't see Aidan as the kind of kid to be a sheep. Just because his friends think pink is for girls doesn't mean he will follow suit. Still, whether to stay in the group has to be a joint decision between you. Since you both attend the meetings, you both have rights. If listening to these conversations is painful for you, that needs to be considered. You have the right to not be where you are uncomfortable too. So I guess my advice would be to have a conversation as a family that weighs the pros and cons of this group for each of you individually, and then make a decision as a family. I am sure that even if Aidan is enjoying this group, he would not want to force you into an uncomfortable situation.
Good Luck :-)
December 17, 2010 — 8:29 am
Christine says:
Hi Jen,
Thanks for your comments and for sharing about your girls. I think you bring up some great points. I agree that the comments made at the group about the gift bags weren’t intended to be nefarious, but yet I think what bugs me most is that when I brought up my concerns about this to the adults in the group, my concerns were so easily dismissed. As I think about the situation more I feel that I probably need to address my concerns further with the leaders during a separate time and not during the middle of an activity as I tried to do (I didn’t mean for my comments to undermine what they had planned or put them on defense (although now I see that they might have felt that way); instead I was hoping just to have an open discussion).
The one part of your response that jumped out at me was when you stated, “In my eyes that would include being exposed to ideas and people who really don’t jive with your value system. It means you have to have faith that if you teach him to be a critical thinker he will come to intelligent conclusions. This is hard.” I completely agree with this. I ultimately have faith in Aidan’s own critical thinking skills and the values that we instill, but as you said it is definitely hard at times.
The world is full of people with so many different ideas and values–it would be a boring place if we all thought the same way! :-) And I do think it is important not to hide away from people with different ideas, but rather be able to talk with them, examine their ideas, and learn what you can from them–but then, I think, this should be a two-way street with them being open to hearing your ideas as well. This does not mean that either has to change their ideas, but it would just be good to have open communication and for everyone to really listen to each other.
Again, thanks for your comments, suggestions, and reassurance. I really appreciate it!
I hope you and your family have very happy holidays!
Chris
P.S. In my original post, your youngest is one of the girls that I was thinking about when I commented about girls who like insects :-)
December 21, 2010 — 12:29 am